50 Questions: Now and Then

It takes me about a week to get one of these things done, but I enjoy doing it. I apologize for the format, still trying to get the hang of this editor.

  1. What was your favorite food when you were a child?
    Macaroni and cheese and it still is my favorite food.
  2. What’s the #1 most played song on your playlist?
    Kashmir by Led Zeppelin
  3. What is one of your favorite quotes?
    If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy
  4. What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
    All of my activities on my computer. Sex would be number two.
  5. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
    Going to bed. I think sleeping in such a waste of time. I have a hard time getting to sleep, tend to have nightmares and night terrors, and resent having to get out of bed to pee once I finally get to sleep. Fortunately I’ve found two medications that help with sleep and a heated blanket to help with the peripheral neuropathy problems and help me sleep better. But I still don’t look forward to it.
  6. What is your favorite form of exercise?
    Dance, but it’s not something I can do anymore. Does sex count?
  7. What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
    I am not a morning person.
    My favorite day of the week is Thursday, but I have no idea why.
    My favorite season is Autumn and I enjoy the months from September to December. By January, I’m ready to hibernate.
  8. What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?
    Let’s see… cars? No that’s fine, it’s the one I use the most, despite the chance of another car accident.
    Trains? I enjoy that as long as I have a sleeper car.
    Airplanes? Once the plane takes off, I’m fine. It’s the process of getting to the airport, through the ticket gate and lining up to board.
    My dream is to at least once, fly first class and preferably to Paris
    Boats? I grew up around boats and my father use to build boats. I’ve been on salmon charter boats, row boats, ferry boats, speed boats and cruise ships
    Bike riding? No, I loved that. Wish I could do it again.
    I’ve never been in a helicopter, so maybe that’s my least favorite mode of transportation
  9. What is your favorite body part?
    Depends, favorite for what?
    Probably my ass, it’s big, it’s round, it’s soft, so what’s not to love?
    Second would be my boobs. I remember in the past not appreciating my boobs, but I do now.
  10. What sound do you love?
    The sound of waves. I live 2 blocks from the beach and sometimes I can hear the waves.
  11. If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for?
    A casual dinner party with lots of great food and wonderful music and interesting guests.
  12. If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?
    Waves cresting on the beach, around smooth beach rocks, shells and seaweed.
  13. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
    Age 24, with the knowledge I have now but the body I had then, which was thin and intact, where I could dance and skate and party.
  14. If you knew the world was ending in 2020, what would you do differently?
    Nothing. I would continue doing what I’m doing until the last moment.
  15. If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?
    Elizabeth Taylor. She lived life in her own way and under her own rules.
  1. If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?
    Back to the year 800 when Charlemagne was crowned Holy Roman Emperor. I am descended from Charles the Great, which isn’t hard. If you can trace your family history to France and Germany, you probably are too.
  2. If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?
    Anything? Anything at all? The ability to fly, levitate type flying. Just rising from the ground up into the sky and fly anywhere I want to go.
  3. If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?
    Writing, finishing and publishing a book. I am working on about a dozen or so ideas. Maybe one day I will finish one of them.
  4. If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?
    What would be the point of being immortal for only one day? Essentially, it means nothing, since being immortal simply means you won’t die. Don’t we already do that every day?
  5. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?
    Cali or Xandra or Christiana
  6. If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet?
    Elizabeth Taylor. I’ve been a fan of hers since I was 9. I use to imagine I was her long lost daughter, since I was born 7 months to the day after she married Nicki Hilton.
  7. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
    Buy a luxury condo in downtown Seattle, and then another one in San Francisco.
  8. If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?
    A killer whale (Orca) to have the freedom to “fly” through the water.
  9. If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?
    “What is our purpose in life?”
  10. If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?
    Either Jo March from “Little Women” or Lagertha from “Vikings”
  1. Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
    When I was much younger, people said I reminded them of Hayley Mills, which thrilled me since I was a big fan of hers. Now I don’t think I resemble any celebrity but I’ve always said I’d like to have Cybill Shepherd to play me in a movie.
04/15/2016 – Cybill Shepherd – hoto Credit: PRPhotos.com
  1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
    A published author would be my first choice. A photo-journalist. But I’m happy to just be a blogger.
  2. When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?
    The same thing I do when I don’t have any free-time. All of my time is spent on the computer doing various things, including blogging.
  3. What would you name the autobiography of your life?
    Ironically, one of the books I’m working on IS an autobiography and it’s called Cindiology.
  4. What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?
    I have a whole playlist that is the soundtrack of my life;
    Windy
    Let It Go (from Frozen)
    You Belong to the City
    Rhiannon
    Touch of Gray
    Travelin’ Soldier
    We Built This City
    Lights
    For What It’s Worth
    Summer of ‘69
    Maggie May
    Ooh Child
    Imagine
    Close to You
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    I’m Coming Out
    Live To Tell
    Holding Back the Years
    Her Town Too
    Hold On
    Dizzy
    I Am Woman
  5. Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?
    When I caught my boyfriend in bed with another girl. I was 20, pregnant and we had planned to get married. I kind of knew he was not ready for marriage and fatherhood; he was only 19. And I guess this was his way of getting out of it all and it worked. I walked out on him. I remember him running behind me as I drove away. When I got home my phone was ringing and I knew it was him. I picked up my phone and he immediately blurted out “I can explain, it’s not what is looked like”. I screamed, “It’s over! I never want to see you again!” Three weeks later I had a miscarriage. Forty years later we reconnected online and I had a chance to see what I was fortunate enough to get out of. He hated his four children, he had been married four times, he still was an uneducated now as he was then, he was sexists and racist and he was a Trump voter and fan.
  6. What was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to?
    My niece’s wedding reception. They went all out with an amazing dinner and lots of dancing. It was a blast and 15 years later we still talk about it.
  7. What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?
    It’s always Beaches, and it’s always Steel Magnolias.
  8. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?
    Bury a child and go through drug withdrawal.
  9. What was the last experience that made you a stronger person?
    Bury a child and going through drug withdrawal.
  10. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
    Not obeying my father. His word was law and when I was really young, I disagreed. Over time I was broken to obey his word. Unfortunately, being told that I needed to “obey” all authority figures (which my mind meant all males) allowed me to raped, sexually assaulted and sexually harassed repeatedly.
  11. When was the last time you had an amazing meal?
    Chinese take out from the Dynasty Restaurant…. Hot and sour soup, cream cheese wontons, deep fried prawns, almond chicken, vegetable chow mein noodles
  1. What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?
    When my daughter died, friends and family members sent me angels as a remembrance. I put them all on an angel altar in her memory.
  1. What do you miss most about being a kid?
    Someone taking care of my hair and telling me what to wear, paying the bills, driving me where I need to go, cooking my food and doing the dishes.
  2. What is your first memory of being really excited?
    The day that Freddy and I discovered that we could sneak in the back down of the shoe store and play with the shoes. The manager was not as thrilled and excited that as we were. I was not even two yet.
  3. What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
    My first job was working in a soda fountain in a drug store when I was about 16. I bought a TV, a stereo and lots of clothing.
  4. When was the last time you were nervous?
    Last week when I was going to a doctor appt. I had come up a plan on how to deal with my pain issues and I wasn’t sure the doctor would agree with it. Fortunately, she did.
  5. What is something you learned in the last week?
    That people only care about me as long as I do what they want me to do.
  6. What story does your family always tell about you?
    My dad’s favorite: I was about three and we had a floor lamp that was next to a chair. I was shaking that lamp back and forth and dad told me stop and leave it alone. I looked at him and shook it again. He told me again to leave it alone or I was get spanked. I looked him in the eye in defiance and shook it again. True to his word, he grabbed and swatted my butt several times. Screaming and crying I walked back over to the lamp and shook it hard and then threw it on the floor. My dad was so shocked, and then he burst into laughing. He knew he had to find a new way to discipline me. He rarely spanked me after that.

7. At what age did you become an adult?
Physically, I was nine, when I was first introduced to sex and male anatomy when I was molested by a 15 year male babysitter. When I was 14 I was
Raped by a boyfriend. In both, oral sex was forced on me and it would take decades before I was willing to give any man a blow job.
Mentally, I was 25, when I realized what I needed and wanted as an adult.
Emotionally, I’m still waiting for it to happen.

8. What book(s) are you reading?
Rage by Bob Woodward
Disloyal by Michael Cohen
Melania and Me by Stephanie Winston Wolkoff
The Room Where it Happened by John Bolton
The Cult of Trump by Steven Hassan
Just finished:
Free Melania by Kate Bennett
Art of Her Deal by Mary Jordan
Too Much and Never Enough by Mary Trump
Trump on the Couch by Justin A Frank
All The President’s Women by Lavene and El-Faizy
Seige by Michael Wolff
Trumpocracy by David Frum
A Very Stable Genius by Rucker and Leonig
A Warning by Anonymous
Fear by Bob Woodward
Fire and Fury by Michael Wolff
Living History by Hillary Rodham Clinton
What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton
Becoming by Michelle Obama

9. Where were you five years ago?
Much different than I am now. In 2015, I could still walk and drive. We didn’t really take Donald Trump seriously when he said he was running for President and we just knew he would never win. I did a lot more traveling where now I’m pretty much homebound, like so many.

10. If someone wanted to really understand you, what should they read, watch and listen to?
Well, first, they should read my blog. Second they should read the books on my reading list. They should watch my own home videos since they chronicle much of my life. And they should list to all of my music playlists. I don’t believe any one thing would do it, and like most things you need to investigate a variety of sources.

11. Are you religious or spiritual?
I use to be, although I started questioning biblical teachings when I was nine, something my Sunday school teachers didn’t care for. My father was/is an Atheist, but my mother was a Methodist and sent us to the Methodist church. As I got older, I keep looking for answers. I switched denominations a lot… Lutheran, Unitarian, Episcopalian, Catholic and Evangelistic. None of them answered my questions or felt like home. I kept trying to have that feeling of “having a personal relationship with Jesus and God”. It never happened. I even tried theology classes with the idea of being a minister but that just created more questions that others either couldn’t or wouldn’t answer. When my daughter died, the Evangelistic church I was a member of shunned me. When nothing changed after three months, I walked away and turned my back on Christianity. I became a Pagan, first as a Christian-Wiccan, and then a Wiccan, then an eclectic Pagan, and then a Humanist Pagan, which I still identify with, but basically I am now just an Atheist.

12. Do you love easily?
No, but I do lust easily. Every man I see I wonder what he would look like naked and how he would be sexually. But love? I’m not even sure I know what that is.

Recipe of the Day: Beef Stew

This is one of those recipes that was handed down from my grandmother to my mother. But I really learned how do it better from a woman whose children I used to babysit.

I know most bloggers post much fancier type foods, more ethnic cuisines, or fusion, or Julia Child French recipes.

But mine is more cottagecore, basic, comforting, easy to do, and traditional.

Beef Stew

1 pound stew meat
1 tablespoon shortening
kitchen bouquet
1/4 cup flour
garlic powder, salt, pepper
2 cups water
1 beef bouillon cube
1-2 whole bay leaves
1 onion, quartered
4-6 peeled potatoes, cut up and quartered
6-10 carrots, peeled and cut up
1/2 cup cold water

Melt shortening in Dutch oven, and add Kitchen bouquet. Mix flour with garlic, salt and pepper and coat raw stew beef. (Store leftover flour in refrigerator until time to make gravy). Saute meat in shortening until browned. Add 2 cups of water, the bouillon cube and bay leaves, and simmer for 2-3 hours. Add 2 cups more water and the onion, potatoes, and carrots and cook on medium for about an hour, until vegetables are tender. Remove vegetables from the Dutch oven to make gravy. Mix 1/2 cup cold water with leftover flour mixture with a whisk until smooth. Gradually add hot broth to flour/water mixture, stirring in between additions. Slowly pour back into rest of broth in Dutch oven and stir and cook until thick and bubbly. Carefully return vegetables to Dutch oven and heat through. Serve with tossed salad and homemade biscuits and ice-cold milk.

Collage of the Day: Gothic Grief

After my daughter died, I channeled my grief into writing poetry and making collages. Because she embraced the Gothic Lifestyle, I called this one “Gothic Grief”.

A very short poem that I wrote that kind of goes with this collage:

O Angel Dressed In Black
Please Bring My Baby Back
She Was A Child Of Faith
Of Peace And Of Love
She Sends Joy To Our World
On The Silver Wings of A Silent Dove…..

Cindi 12/09/01

50 Questions

I snagged this from Mrs. Wolfie, https://mrswolfie.blog/2020/09/11/50-questions-just-for-fun/, and I hope she sees this because I still can’t comment on her blog. I’m sorry for the loss of your little Nebo.

“I decided to borrow this fun survey from Sparkpeople. I think I spend a lot of time on my blog being serious and I thought it was time to have more fun this evening. As mentioned, i hope it makes you smile and I hope it gives you a little chance to know me better. Of course if you want to, copy the questions and answer them for yourself, just be sure to give credit to SP!”

1. What time did you get up this morning? Morning? What’s that? Oh, that time of day when I go to bed, which was about 7am.

2. How do you like your steak? I don’t eat a lot of steak, but on the rare occasion that I do, it’s usually medium rare with caramelized onions and steak sauce.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? It’s been so long since I’ve seen a movie at a theater, I can’t even remember. We don’t even have a movie theater in our town, we have to to one of the nearby towns to see a movie.

4. What is your favorite TV show? It was Vikings. Right now, I don’t really have a favorite. I watch very little TV.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Paris or Kyoto or Maui or San Francisco or a condo in downtown Seattle.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Well, it was breakfast food, but for dinner. Rice Krispies with a sliced banana and milk.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Chinese.

8. What foods do you dislike? Sushi. Beets. Cauliflower.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Dynasty Chinese Restaurant or any of the Chinese restaurants in town.

10. Favorite dressing? Blue cheese

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I have a Ford Fiesta, but I can’t drive anymore.

12. What are your favorite clothes? Long Boho maxi dresses and jean jackets.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Paris and Kyoto are at the top of my list.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? 1/2 full

15. Where would you want to retire? I’m already retired so I imagine I will stay right here.

16. Favorite time of day? Three o’clock in the morning. That seems to be the time of day when I have the least amount of pain and the sharpest focus in my brain.

17. Where were you born? Seattle, WA in the US

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ice skating

19. How many siblings? One sister and one brother, both younger and but we are close in age. My mom had three children in less than 3 years.

20. Favorite pastime/hobby? Genealogy. Crocheting and cross stitch. Scrapbooking. Altered books and collage work.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Anyone who decides to take the challenge!

22. Bird watcher? Not on purpose. But I have a crow that loves to flirt with me from my deck railing.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? I don’t know what morning is. I usually spend most of my time up all night.

24. Do you have any pets? Not at more. At one time I had six cats… five female cats born to a stray that adopted us. The last one died about three years ago at the age of 20.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? I wish I had any news, exciting or otherwise.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? First I wanted to be a ballerina. Then I wanted to be a disk jockey and then I wanted to be world famous surgeon. Most of the time I wanted to be a teacher and/or writer and that’s pretty much what I ended up doing.

27. What is your best childhood memory? Probably Christmases… with big trees full of homemade ornaments, but c-9 lights, tinsel and piles of gifts underneath. Lots of Christmas cookies. Christmas caroling around the neighborhood.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? I’d love to have both and at one time did, but I tend to be more a cat person.

29. Are you married? Technically, yes.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Always. It helped to save my life in 1987, although I had a lot of damage in that car accident.

31. Been in a car accident? Yes, as mentioned above in 1987. Lots of damage to my right leg and I was told I would never walk again. First they told me my leg would be amputation but I had a great surgeon who wouldn’t give up, and operated 6 times trying different things to save my leg. But he told me I wouldn’t be able to walk and would have to spend my life in a wheelchair. I set out to prove him wrong. I had children to raise and a business to run. And I did learn to walk again, although painfully, and went back to raising my children and back to running my daycare business with 30 kids. But I knew one day it all would catch up with me. And it has and now I’m back in the wheelchair and trying to learn how to control the pain.

32. Any pet peeves? Bad drivers, especially those who tailgate and don’t signal to indicate their intentions. Selfish people who only think of themselves and no one else. Religious people who try to force their beliefs down your throat (fortunately, not all religious people do this… I have some wonderful Christian and Muslim friends who live their faith without insisting you share in their beliefs). Guns and gun toting nuts who think guns make them look tough and manly.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Cheese, onions, tomatoes, green peppers, mushrooms and black olives with a red tomato sauce.

34. Favorite Flower? Irises, lavender, pansies.

35. Favorite ice cream? Moosetracks. Goo goo cluster. Rocky Road.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Dairy Queen’s soft serve ice cream cones dipped in butterscotch.

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? Three times. The first time was when I was in high school just after I finished driver’s ed. I was so embarrassed that I refuse to try again. When I was 19, I finally did, trying to drive my brother’s El Camino that kept stalling all the time. I failed again. This time I was pissed and went back a week later and passed it. I’ve never taken that driver’s license and the right to drive for granted.

38. From whom did you get your last email? From my therapist reminding me of my zoom appointment this afternoon.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Amazon. Oh, wait, I already do that.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? The only thing I do spontaneously if getting up to pee. I’d be happier if I could schedule that.

41. Like your job? Well, the pay sucks, but the hours are good. Being retired isn’t very profitable.

42. Broccoli? Yes.. broccoli salad, broccoli cheese soup, steamed broccoli with cheese sauce.

43. What was your favorite vacation? And all expenses paid trip with Hawaii. Every day we received gifts and perks from the company. Our room was a luxury suite with two lanai type balconies with views of the ocean. I had room service breakfasts for the first time. Two spa days. It was heavenly.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? I can’t remember a dinner, but I had lunch with my cousin and her husband when they were in town. This was long before Covid 19.

45. What are you listening to right now? My relaxing music playlist.

46. What is your favorite color? Black. But I get in moods for other colors.. like gray, or mint green, or teal.

47. How many tattoos do you have? I don’t have any yet, but I’ve been planning to get three for the past 20 years. Maybe some day it will actually happen.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 9:25pm

50. Coffee Drinker? No, which is almost sacrilege if you’re from Seattle.

“I hope you enjoyed this post. If you decide to take the challenge, please do link me. I’d love to read your answers!”

TMI Tuesday: September 8, 2020: Mixed Bag

1. Would you help pay for your own engagement ring?

I didn’t get an engagement ring until after we were married for 8 years. Instead we put the money into a buying a house. My daughter in law now wears my old engagement and wedding ring.

2. Were you ever afraid to masturbate?

Yes, I was terrified and guilt ridden. The church made me feel so afraid of touching myself anywhere, that I never did. And that proved to be a problem when I was pregnant and needed to prepare my nipples for breastfeeding. I just couldn’t do it and I suffered painful and bloody nipples both time. Once I left the church, started studying sexuality and discovered the many benefits of masturbation, that all changed. Now, no guilt at all. But I am angry that I had to wait so long to discovery the joys of my own personal sexuality.

3. These days what gives you most comfort?

Days that I can go without any pain. And they are rare. So when they happen, I celebtrate.

4. What is distinct about you?

I remember voices. I can hear someone’s voice in a movie or TV show and tell you what other movies or TV shows they have been in. Their voice is always a dead give away for me.

Bonus: What in the past week has given you immense joy?

These days it’s hard to find much for me to enjoy. My physical limitations and levels of pain, family members who are Trump supporters, worries of Covid 19, concern about the future as far as safety and economy.

But if I really push myself… it’s finding jokes and memes that make me laugh. It’s the idea of finding a new house to move into, eating chocolate, a full nights sleep.

Random Paint Chip Poetry Project: #2 Circle of Life

This one is dedicated to my daughter, Courtney Marie, who died 20 years ago on Sept 14th, 2000, at the age of 16. I will also include to collages that I created in her memory.

Miss You

Circle of Life

Tickled pink, a baby girl
A short lived life, a short lived love.

Like the Sisyphus’s boulder
Constantly pushing upwards and
Rolling back again

Causing an unfortunate circumstance

Is that what is was?
Just an unfortunate circumstance?

No.

It was like a comet
Blazing ‘cross the evening sky

A lunar starship that took on a life of its own.

Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright

Until it faded just out of sight.

Now a new blank canvas to write on.
A new story to tell.
A new leaf to turn.

But still pushing that boulder upwards
And watching it roll back again.

Gothic Grief

The song used in this poem was “Gone Too Soon” by Michael Jackson, which was written for Ryan White who died as a teenager due to AIDS, but it felt to me that the song was written for Courtney.

Now, if you would like to participate in this project, please write a poem using these words and prompt and a few lyrics from your favorite song on your playlist.

An Unfortunate Circumstance

Tickled pink
Sisyphus’s boulder
Lunar
Starship
Blank canvas
New Leaf

Please download the tag and link your blog to the link party https://fresh.inlinkz.com/party/891db60cc42d40e6838cf98790bebbc1

Recipe of the Day: Gingerbread with Lemon Sauce and Whipped Cream

1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 cup molasses
1/4 cup hot water
2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
2 tablespoons shortening
1 egg white
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon salt
Lemon Sauce (below)

LEMON SAUCE
3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 cup water
1 tablespoon grated lemon peel
1 tablespoon lemon juice

Heat oven to 325°.
Spray loaf pan, 8 1/2 × 4 1/2 × 2 1/2 inches, with cooking spray.
Beat all ingredients except Lemon Sauce in medium bowl with electric
mixer on low speed 30 seconds, scraping bowl constantly.
Beat on medium speed 3 minutes, scraping bowl occasionally.
Pour into pan.
Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out
clean.
Cool 10 minutes; remove from pan.
Serve warm or cool with Lemon Sauce and Whipped Cream

LEMON SAUCE:
Mix sugar and cornstarch in 1-quart saucepan.
Gradually stir in water.
Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture thickens and
boils.
Boil and stir 1 minute; remove from heat.
Stir in remaining ingredients.
Serve warm or cool.

Recipe adapted from a Betty Crocker recipe.

Recipe of the Day: Harvest Pot Roast

Harvest Pot Roast

This is a tender slow cooker pot roast with a flavorful homemade gravy. If you don’t care for rutabaga, use turnips or more potatoes and carrots. I used a boneless beef chuck roast, but any boneless pot roast cut will work.
4 Ingredients
ts:

6 slices bacon, halved crosswise
2 pounds red skinned or Yukon gold potatoes, peeled and cut in 2-inch pieces
1 small rutabaga, cut in 2-inch pieces
4 to 6 carrots, peeled, cut in 2-inch lengths, halved lengthwise
Salt and pepper
1 teaspoon dried leaf thyme, divided
1 boneless beef chuck roast, about 3 pounds
1 bag, about 16 ounces, frozen small white onions
8 ounces mushrooms, scrubbed and left whole, halved if large
1 1/2 cups beef broth
3 tablespoons tomato paste
2 tablespoons flour
2 to 3 tablespoons cold water

Preparation:
Place bacon over the bottom of the crockpot. Arrange potatoes, rutabaga, and carrots over the bacon. Sprinkle lightly with salt, pepper, and half of the thyme. Place the pot roast on the vegetables, then add onions, and mushrooms over and around the roast. Sprinkle lightly with salt, pepper, and the remaining thyme. Combine beef broth and tomato paste; pour over the pot roast. Cover and cook on LOW for 8 to 10 hours.

Remove the pot roast to a warm platter. With a slotted spoon, remove vegetables and arrange around the roast. Cover and keep warm.

Separate fat and broth using a fat separator, or skim fat off the top of the broth; discard fat. Put the broth in a saucepan and bring to a boil; reduce heat to medium and simmer for 5 minutes.

In a cup of small bowl, whisk flour with water until smooth. Whisk the flour mixture into the broth until thickened and bubbly. Serve gravy with the meat and vegetables.
Serves 6.

What’s Your View on Self Love?

Photo by Eternal Happiness on Pexels.com

And what is your definition of self love?

It could be body acceptance.

It could caring for yourself physically.

It could be solo sex and masturbation.

My view on self love is all three. It took me a long time to get there for any of them.

I still struggle with body acceptance. Most of my life I’ve always hated and been ashamed of my body. I’ve always had a belly, even when I was thin. My boobs have always been big and saggy, even when I was young. Since I was taught to be ashamed of sex, I was also taught to be ashamed of my body. A bra strap showing as scandalous as it tell the whole world that you had boobs, that you had to be ashamed of and had to hide them away. In those days we covered ourselves in as many layers as possible so that roaming hands couldn’t get to the goodies. We wear a bra and panties, a garter belt or girdle, stockings until pantyhose became popular but still wore a girdle to keep that damn belly under control. If you had your period, you also wore a menstrual belt and pad since maxi pads hadn’t been invented yet. Over all of that you wore a slip, half slip or pettipants. And then a dress or skirt and sweater and another sweater over it all. No wonder we hated our bodies… you couldn’t see it or feel it, it was all hidden under layers of stuff. At least we usually won when we played strip poker!!

Things are much different for me these days, as I sit here typing this while I’m naked. I wish I had the confidence then, that I have now. Maybe my sex and love life would have been so much better.

Next is caring for yourself and it’s taken a long time for me to even understand that means. For years it meant buying every beauty product that was advertised. In those days, I wore tons of eye make up… black liner (upper and lower) topped with white liner, drawn on lower lashes (this was the era of Twigger) and fake upper lashes, lots of black mascara, eye shadow. My eyes looked great and I got lots of compliments, but was this really caring for myself? There were daily trips to the gym and to the gynecologist for birth control pills, to the doctor for diet pills. In the bathroom shaving your legs and pits (hairless pubes wasn’t a thing yet. I took dance classes and then danced every night at a club. Was this caring for myself?

I no longer wear make up of any kind.. I’ve gotten lazy in my old age. I also don’t shave my legs anymore, mostly due to the damage on both. And instead of birth control pills and diet pills I have to take heart pills and blood thinners. Old age is such a joy. And sadly, I can no longer dance or work out, just walking to the bathroom is a work out for me, as walking as become so painful.

And finally solo sex and masturbation. Finally something I can still do and even excel at. When I was younger, sex was evil and banned and masturbation was even worse. Good girls didn’t touch themselves. Good girls didn’t let anyone else touch them either. All of that was suppose to be saved for your husband to enjoy, but not you. Such fucking bullshit.

I’m still pissed that was taught those insane ideas. I resent that I wasn’t able to enjoy my sex life with male partners simply out of guilt. Of course, none of them seem to notice as they were simply out to get laid and my consent and enjoyment was not required.

I didn’t masturbate until about 10 years and I haven’t stopped since. I bought my first vibrator shortly after and have no gone through four of them. I have only had a few physical relationships with men since my age of awakening and I was pleasantly surprised that men, especially men who engage in BDSM, seem to be more receptive to women’s sexual needs. Not all, some are still selfish oafs that belong in the dark ages. But much more than I expected.

My attitudes about self love have obviously changed over the years, which is to be expected. I just wish I knew then what I know now.