Pain and Fear

it grips like a vise

stabbing cutting ripping tearing

unrelenting

just when i adapt it comes from another direction

gasping moaning crying

and if that’s not enough

arthritic knees take over

grinding gnawing each time i stand

doctors don’t feel this is enough and want me to pee every five minutes

they would do a sadist proud

learning to tolerate this would be fine until

another pain a new pain erupts

back pain becomes so strong

can’t focus can’t concentrate can’t functure

they ask why old people are so grumpy

this is why

drag myself to bed when the pain becomes unbearable

which is its own kind of hell

deceivingly soft and comfortable

until

i hear footsteps and see a shadow fall over me and i wake up screaming

someone is in my house

no

i am alone

i am now drenched in cold sweat

getting up to take a shower is too much work

so i lie in what feels like my blood sweat tears

fortunate that i am alone

no one to see me

no one to touch me

no one to smell me

i doze off again

the bed is shaking, the lamp is swaying

is it an earthquake?

no

just another night terror

 

 

2 thoughts on “Pain and Fear

    1. I’m still learning what all this means and how to deal with it. So far nothing I’ve tried has worked very long. But I’m still looking for solutions. Writing about it does help.

      Liked by 1 person

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