Self Acceptance

I’ve lost 60 pounds in the past month. Most of it was water weight, but it still made an impact on the scale and it also made on my body.

My abdomen is flatter and my tummy is softer and smaller, not big and hard like it was last month. My face is thinner and my feet and legs are smaller, although now covered with wrinkled skin.

I “feel” smaller than I was before and I am. But to most people I am still fat. Most people won’t be able to see the change in me because to them I am and I always will be fat. No matter how much I weighed, I was always described as “too fat”, or “needs to lose some weight”. Even when I weighed 120 pounds. “Just lose 15 more pounds and you will be PERFECT!” But perfect never came.

I’m not losing weight now because I want to, not because I want to be perfect, not because I want to wear certain clothes, not because I want a “beach body”. Losing weight has not helped my damaged leg and my arthritic knees like so many have insisted it would. But I now have a heart problem that I never had before and I am losing weight to help that.

But at this point, I’m quite happy with my body. It’s not a size 2, but it is a size 2x, which is down from a 5x. But mostly because I can finally breathe again and not be short of breath due to fluid in my lungs. My feet don’t feel like stuffed sausages where the skin was so tight it felt like it was going to rip apart any minute.

I may always have to deal with being on a water pill and worrying how much sodium everything I eat has in it. The AFib may never go away. I will never look like a runway model and I’m finally okay with that. This is who I am and I know that makes a lot of people uncomfortable and feel the need to “fix” me. But that’s their problem not mine.

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